An Open Letter of Surrender to American Girl®
Dear American Girl,
I have grown to respect you as a worthy and wily foe. But I have grown battle-weary and the events of last week have convinced me of the hopelessness of further resistance on my part in our four-year struggle
This war began shortly after my daughter’s first birthday, when I first encountered the phenomenon that is American Girl. I made an AG Oath of Resistance based on the following creed:
– No doll should cost $95+
– Dolls don’t need professional spa services.
– Girls shouldn’t dress in the same exact outfit as their doll.
I encountered your ever-expanding army everywhere: cute, bright-eyed little girls who proudly and lovingly carried their American Girl dolls. I knew this was not going to be an easy fight, but my resolve was deep and strong.
You had powerful weapons in your arsenal. Your dolls come with a book and a backstory that was historically accurate, educational, and peppered with positive messages. A brilliant stroke of strategy. Despite this, I stayed true to my AG Oath of Resistance.
Even the mini-controversy around homeless “Gwen” had little effect on your juggernaut.
To boot, your intelligence was unmatched. You seemed to have some kind of peephole into the mind of girls three and up. Your mission statement struck fear in my heart:
American Girl encourages girls to dream, to grow, to aspire, to create, and to imagine through a wide range of engaging and insightful books, age-appropriate and educational products, and unforgettable experiences.
Still, I could have resisted were it not for your latest and most brilliant stroke of tactical genius: the introduction of Lanie™ as the Girl of the Year.
From the moment your most recent catalog somehow landed into my daughter’s hands, I knew this struggle was over and that you were the undeniable victor.
You see, my daughter’s name is Lane. And we call her Laney.
Your Lanie™ likes to explore the outdoors. My Laney likes to explore the outdoors. Lanie™ has a camper. We love campers, but don’t have room for a real one. Lanie™ has blond wavy hair. And so does mine. Lanie™ likes to conduct scientific experiments. Of course, what parent wouldn’t want their child to appreciate the value of a good empirical study? Lanie™ even has a pet bunny rabbit – that she takes on walks! My Laney loves bunny rabbits. To top it off, you have teamed up with the National Wildlife Federation to support their Be Out There movement inspiring girls to connect with nature!
In the words of a great video game general, GAME OVER. I have officially been outsmarted, outmatched, and squarely defeated.
It is with a heavy heart that I offer my unconditional surrender and hearby declare my intention of rescinding my AG Oath of Resistance. To finalize the terms of my surrender, I will meet you on a weekend day in the near future at 5th Avenue and 49th Street. I will bring my Laney, and, of course, my credit card.
Your former foe,
(The Real) Laney’s Dad
